一、原句：With all the reasons, the mind to be with you is always existing from the first moment when opening my eyes to the last second when clasing them, and is planted in my heart deeptly just like a luxuriant tree.
点评：With all the reasons, the mind to be with you is always existing(时态有一点问题) from 要加上the first moment when opening(主语是mind不是I,所以这里不能用ing，否则就是mind自己张开眼睛的意思) my eyes to the last second when clasing(单词拼写错误) them, and is planted (是不是想说植根)in my heart deeply, just like a luxuriant tree.
修改参考：With all the reasons that can be found in this universe, the faith to be with has been deeply rooted in my mind, heart and soul from the first moment when I open my eyes to the last second when I close them.
二、原句：I will spend my entire life protecting you and to make you be away from the hurt, undoubtedly , ensureyou live in the world filled with sunshine and happiness.
修改点评：I will spent my entire life protecting you and to make(这里不能用不定式) you be away from the hurt, undoubtedly(放在动词前面或者句子前面), ansure(单词拼写错误)you live in the world filled with sunshine and happiness.
I will spend (加上副词) my entire life protecting you from any hurt(什么样的伤害) and ensure you a world with sunshine and happiness.(后面可以加很多细节)
修改参考：It may take you years to wait for me but I spend my entire life searching for you, only hoping to keep you safe from harms in pouring rain and bring in an endless sunshine where all flowers blooms at your smile, all birds sing at your call, all stars twinkle at your dance, and all the universe turns to heaven at your love.
三、原句：When the earthquake occurs, the world gives a warm hand.
点评修改：When the earthquake occurs on May 12th, causing nearly 30 thousand people of death and making most cities in ruins, the whole world offers a warm hand, extremely donation(是不是想说generous ?) ,kind-hearted assist (是不是想说assistance?) and the strength which we cohere for Sichuan.
修改参考：The earthquake on May 12th can shake the foundation of Sichuan’s tallest buildings, leaving 70000 lives killed and several cities destroyed, but it cannot touch the foundation of the whole world where a warm hand is always there, the entire planet where we are always connected as one, and the global village where all is for one and one is for all.
>>点击查看雅思写作专题，阅读更多相关文章！
-
如何提高雅思写作成绩
写作常被称为“屠鸭”路上的拦路虎，让很多考生大为头疼，那么如何才能提高雅思写作成绩呢？看看沪江网校教研组的写作老师Abigail是怎么说的：
- 雅思G类小作文书信范文之谢绝信
- 雅思G类小作文书信范文之邀请信
- 雅思G类小作文书信范文之建议信
- 教你如何三步成为雅思小作文达人