Sample Answer:
修改意见:
本文共有两个问题,其中第一个问题在考生的作品中被忽略了。
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
对于这样的问题,可以单独使用一段来回答。参考如下:
修改后:
Nowadays,(It is true that technology has shifted people’s communicative ways. 利用It is true that的句式突出后面的事件;Change和shift是同义词替换;the way people interact和communicative way是同义词替换。这样的变化可以避免引用题目中的原词。)
(拒绝非正式的用法。)The technology has changed the people’s interaction in very enhanced manner. Earlier people used(前后时态必须一致。)to wait and try to find easy ways(名词单复数) to contact their friends or relatives leaving far. In the past, there was no (词汇使用不当,应该改成effective)technology to contact others or to establish any communication between two people. And(重要的连接词,表示本句和上一句共同解释为什么“人们一直在期待找到更有效的通讯方式。”)the drawback ofthe past communication systems was that they (指代不清,这里指代的是communication systems) were too (表示“太”。) slow and were time-consuming (表示“费时”), including (这是应该使用分词形式,表示对主句的communication ways的具体描述。)the telegrams, the letter etc. Not only that,(这里需要连接词)people used to be afraid to write their personal feedbacks or things to their loved ones because of (because of 强调“外因”;due to 强调“根据”)information security (根据上下文理解,此处应该表达的是“信息安全”)of communication. (They worried their letters might be stolen or read by some strangers.这里可以继续描述人们的担心。)
However,(上文主要讨论过去的情况,而接下来将讨论现在的变化)now the things have changed around.(必须避免使用“,”连接两个句子。正确的处理方法是,要么采用断句的方法,要么添加连词。)People in a long distance contact their lovesd one in (effective and efficient) ways, which improve(主谓一致,which代替ways。) the interaction level between two persons. Quality (用词重复)of the interaction between people and people(主谓之间不能添加“,”。)has been improved(这里使用被动是因为沟通质量的提升是因为技术的发展。) because they are equipped with high-techdevices which enhances their communication. There are many(重复)mediummedia available such as internet, called cards etc.So the technology has provided better mobility , which help people to talk or keep in touch with each other at any time anywhere in the world.(不应该单独成段,应该和上一段结合在一起。)(本句应该被删除,因为没有提出任何新的观点,并且与上文的句子非常重复。)
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